


In The Mess

by babybirdsitter



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Colonist (Mass Effect), Comfort, F/M, Fluff, Mass Effect 1, One Shot, Paragon (Mass Effect), Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-21
Updated: 2016-06-21
Packaged: 2018-07-16 07:03:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7257373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babybirdsitter/pseuds/babybirdsitter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard retreats to the Normandy during a tense visit to the Citadel and Kaidan checks to see if she’s okay.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In The Mess

Kaidan had grown to like hearing the Normandy’s VI every time he stepped through the airlock. He found its professional tone a welcome sign of comfort. Whenever the VI announced that the shore party was back on board, especially after dealing with enemies like the Thorian back in Feros, he found himself breathing a little bit easier. It was a silly little thing, but whenever the airlock’s doors shut behind him with a loud huff, he imagined it as the ship’s way of sighing along with him.

So it was strange how he was now desperate for the VI’s affirmation when all they’d done was a quick favor for an Alliance officer in the Citadel. They hadn’t even made it far into the station—hell, they were just stepping out of the elevator—when Shepard had him and Garrus turn back to the docking bay to help a Lieutenant Girard. It was one of those assignments where Kaidan didn’t even need to do a thing. It was all Shepard: just her talking, using that careful charm of hers to ease someone out of a dicey situation.

The only problem was that this particular situation involved something that Kaidan knew Shepard didn’t like talking about. In the time they’d been working together in the Normandy, he heard Shepard bring up Mindoir only once. It was early on in their mission. They were talking casually in the mess hall, maybe even flirting with one another, when he had thoughtlessly asked her about whether someone from her family had served with the Alliance after he shared some stories about his dad. He remembered how Shepard’s dark brows furrowed slightly, how her jaw clenched, and how, before he could make something of what he saw, she took a deep breath and offered him a tentative smile.

“My parents were homesteaders in Mindoir.”

Kaidan had, of course, apologized profusely, but all Shepard did was dismiss his fumbling with a wave of a hand.

“Don’t worry about it, Lieutenant. It was a long time ago. I’m good now.”

Standing behind her now as they stood in the docking bay, the Normandy just a few short strides away from them, Kaidan couldn’t help but grapple for a sign that would shed some insight on how Shepard might be feeling at the moment. The entire time she talked with Lieutenant Girard, letting him know that Talitha had successfully been talked down and given a sedative, Shepard seemed to wear the same calm demeanor she always had on when was on duty. There were no slumped shoulders or nervous fidgeting. Her voice was clear and steady, her words drawn out and careful.

“She was only six when they took her,” Girard drawled out, his face crumpling into a scowl. “Why the hell are we out here if we can’t even keep one little girl safe?”

“Bad things happen to good people, Lieutenant, that’s why you and I are here,” Shepard answered, her voice ringing with clarity. “Don’t wring your hands over her, help her. Make sure she gets the help she needs.”

Even after watching Talitha shaking and crying and brandishing a gun she was prepared to fire on herself, even after hearing her recount the abuses she suffered in the hands of Batarian slavers, Kaidan was amazed to see Shepard remain so level-headed. In such a situation, he certainly wouldn’t have faulted his commanding officer a few scratches on her veneer. He couldn’t imagine reacting the same way had he encountered someone from Jump Zero in Talitha’s situation. If it had been him, he wouldn’t be able to seem as detached.

After Girard and his men dispersed, with one of them carrying Talitha in his arms, Shepard turned back to him and Garrus. She offered them the same weak smile that Kaidan had seen on her before.

“You guys go ahead. Enjoy your shore leave. I’m going back to the Normandy. Work on some reports.”

“You okay, Shepard?”

Garrus had beaten him to the question, but he was glad that the turian had managed to say what Kaidan couldn't quite say to Shepard. Maybe Garrus’ subvocals could make up for his silence.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine,” Shepard answered, her lips curving up into a more definite smile. “Mindoir was a long time ago. I’m just glad I could help her.”

Before he could contribute to the conversation, Shepard had whipped around and walked away. Kaidan watched her figure retreat into the Normandy’s airlock before Garrus laid a hand on his shoulder.

“Guess she’s going to need some time to process that.”

“Yeah,” Kaidan said, managing to cough up an answer at last.

“Think maybe she’d want to do that processing in Flux? With drinks?”

“Uh, sure. Maybe.”

“Go get her. Tell her I’m buying.”

Kaidan chuckled, but he knew it sounded forced. He felt like his voice had been lodged stuck in his throat. All he could do was give Garrus a quick nod. He yearned for the Normandy’s comfort, even though he couldn’t quite understand why. He walked back to the ship, figuring that if he was this dumbfounded by a simple assignment, he’d allow himself the comfort of walking through the Normandy’s airlock.

 

It didn’t take long to find Shepard. She was in the mess hall, exactly where Kaidan had imagined she would be when he was descending the stairs to the lower deck. She was seated in the dining area, cradling the black mug she always used for coffee; the one emblazoned with an N7 logo and had a small chip on the handle. She was looking straight ahead, probably towards where the crew’s sleeper pods were.

She had been sitting the same way when Kaidan had complimented her on her N7 mug. They ran into each other in the mess during the start of the day cycle, a few days before they were set to land on Eden Prime. He was up early, at around 0500h, and was surprised to see anyone else would be around. It had been a painfully awkward conversation, but all Shepard did was chuckle quietly, her voice still hoarse from the remnants of sleep. Kaidan did manage to save face, quickly turning his bad attempt at small talk into questions about the N7 program.

Now, as Kaidan approached her slowly, she kept her eyes trained on the distance, even when he was sure she’d heard his boots shuffling against the floor. The mess was empty and the lights were dim, just as it had been before. Kaidan wondered where the crew might have gone when he remembered that they were supposed to be on shore leave. Shepard must have already asked the rest of the crew to leave the ship, likely offering them the same speech that she had just given both him and Garrus.

Kaidan took a deep breath before stopping near the edge of the table, close to where Shepard was sitting.

“Commander?”

“Hey, Kaidan,” she said quietly, her voice containing the same cool timbre she had used on Talitha and Lieutenant Girard. “I thought you’re calling me Shepard now.”

She looked at him then, the bags under her eyes creasing as she gave him a smile.

Kaidan forced out another chuckle, unsure why he had followed her in here in the first place. She seemed fine, maybe even genuinely unaffected by what had just happened. He had assumed that she needed someone to talk, someone to listen to her while everything else was quiet and she didn't have to worry about Saren and the geth for the next few hours. She'd always been interested in learning more about his experiences at Jump Zero, and he never once gave pause that she might have other things on her mind.

But as he looked at her now, smiling up at him, seated by herself in the peace of an empty ship, he felt superfluous. Why would she need him, anyway? She was Commander Shepard. She had never needed saving in the entire time he’d known her.

So he hesitated, tucking his hands inside his pockets instead of taking the seat across from her on the table.

“I wasn’t sure if now’s a good time.”

“It’s a good time. Shore leave and all.”

Shepard reached out a hand and tapped on the surface across from where she had now put her mug down.

“Sit down.”

Kaidan did as she said. Even when he was no less certain of what he was supposed to be doing for her here, he wasn't going to stop following orders now.

“I know what you’re going to ask,” Shepard said, not allowing him a chance to gather his thoughts. “You want to know if I’m doing okay.”

Kaidan continued to feel stupid and out of place. He was sure that he was beginning to overstep his boundaries, that he should just leave and meet up with Garrus for drinks and leave Shepard to her own thoughts, but he stayed seated, the gravity of the things she hadn't yet said keeping him grounded.

“I’m fine, Kaidan,” Shepard continued, sounding as even keeled as ever, “I am. I really am.”

He didn’t know what to tell her. Silence drew out like an invisible force between them. None of the conversations they've had before ever felt like this. Maybe it was because it was Kaidan who did all the talking, and that she seemed genuinely interested in the things he was willing to share, but he'd always felt comfortable talking to Shepard. She was his commanding officer out on the field, but here, inside the Normandy, they were friendly and familiar. But now he felt like he was pushing his commanding officer to a conversation she clearly didn’t want to have, and that he was going to be punished for it.

“Sorry, Commander.” Kaidan kept his eyes on the N7 mug that Shepard had once again taken between her hands. He watched as she used a thumb to trace circles on its ceramic surface. “Garrus and I just wanted to make sure you were fine. He said he’d buy you drinks.”

Shepard gave a throaty laugh.

He’d heard her laugh, as in  _really_  laugh, before. It would usually happen when they talked in between missions, when—thanks to the adrenaline rush caused by difficult fire fights—Kaidan found himself flirting with Shepard without thought of regs and rumors that could spread around the ship. During those times, she’d usually let out a laugh that sounded full and solid to his ears. He still remembered the first time she did it, back when they were in the Citadel for the first time and looking over the Wards. He had let it slip that he thought she was beautiful and Ashley started egging him on. He didn’t know if she had been laughing at Ashley’s jokes or at his pathetic attempt to salvage the conversation, but still, she was laughing and Kaidan liked what he heard.

But the way she laughed now, seated quietly in the dim orange light of the second deck of the Normandy, sounded nothing like what Kaidan had heard before. It sounded jagged and broken, like, maybe, if her usual belly full laughter had shattered as soon as it left her lips. The sound she made now made him uneasy, reminding him of a window he had cracked when he was a child, after he had thrown around a ball carelessly with his biotics.

Kaidan leaned in and reached out for her before he could think better of it. He held her by one of her wrists. She stopped thumbing her mug, the grip she kept around it loosening.

“Shepard.”

He said her name softly, giving her wrist a gentle squeeze as he did so. He wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do, but he figured he needed to do something, anything, to get her to laugh that same laugh she’d always had around him. He kept his eyes down, focusing on a scar that ran along the back of her hand.

“I’m fine,” she said again, softly this time. Kaidan barely caught it. “It’s just… I guess Talitha is right.”

Finally, Kaidan looked up and met her eyes.

“What do you mean?”

“I haven’t thought of what happened in Mindoir for a while now. I’ve had thirteen years to work through it, and for the most part, I’m pretty sure I have. But seeing Talitha and hearing what she went through, I guess I just feel a little guilty I made it out unscathed and she didn’t.”

Her voice stayed quiet, but the way her words sounded remained clear and steady. She stared back at him, and even when her dark eyes glistened with moisture, she didn’t look away.

Kaidan gave her wrist another tender squeeze.

“I’m sorry, Shepard.”

He felt her hand twitch underneath his grip, but she didn't pull it back.

“To be honest, I don't remember much about that day anymore. I remember being in my bedroom, listening to really old music. Like 21st century music, with the weepy guitars? My dad loved that, so I grew up listening to a lot of it.”

Kaidan kept his eyes on her and smiled, trying to imagine what she might have been like as a teenager, before her world changed around her.

“What else do you remember?”

“Maybe my father screaming, asking me to turn down my music? I'm not sure about that anymore. But I do remember hiding out inside the vent that was behind my bedroom wall. Hid all kinds of things there. It was really useful.”

She smiled back at him, curling her lips in the same tentative way he’d seen on her before. “I’m okay, Kaidan. I really am. This happens sometimes. Mindoir will hit me hard and head on like it did today, but then I’ll get over it. I’m just a little shaken up because it hasn’t happened in a while.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” Shepard answered, her hand slowly retreating from his grasp. “Sometimes I just need to dive into work. Sometimes I just need... I don't know... a good distraction, I guess?”

Shepard looked down and started fiddling with her mug again, and had the lighting in the mess hall been a tad bit brighter, Kaidan could’ve sworn her cheeks were flushed.

“Like maybe an officer that never stops pestering you?”

“Yeah,” Shepard answered after a small chuckle. She looked up at him and smiled more widely now. “Yeah, something like that.”

Kaidan smiled back at her, relieved by her answer.

“I’m really sorry, Shepard. I wish there’s something more I can tell you… and well… if I had known, I wouldn’t have bored you with so much of my Jump Zero angst.”

Shepard laughed more loudly now, solid and similar to how she sounded when he’d first heard her laugh, with him and her and Ashley bathed in the neon lights of the Wards, looking over the rest of the Citadel.

“It’s fine Kaidan. I’m fine. I like listening to your Jump Zero angst. Besides, considering the amount of money that the Alliance had to spend on therapy after they picked me up from Mindoir, listening to one of their officers ranting is the least I can do for them.”

“Yeah, and that whole trying to save all of humanity thing,” Kaidan replied, laughing along with her.

Shepard kept laughing, full and loud and sure. It echoed through the empty deck, filling Kaidan's ears with a sound he was suddenly sure he never wanted to do without.

“Oh, let's not forget about that one.”

It took a few seconds for Shepard's laughter to fade from the room completely. When it did, she was still smiling, looking at Kaidan in the eye. For the first time since he came down to find her in the mess hall, he didn't feel desperate for words. He simply looked back at her—watching as her features softened, as she let go of her coffee mug, as she rested her chin on her palm, her fingers framing her cheeks.

He meant what he had said back then on the Citadel, Ashley's jokes be damned. Shepard really was beautiful.

“So,” Shepard said, finally moving to stand up, “how about those drinks? Think Garrus is as good as his word?”

Kaidan stood up, as well. He followed Shepard as she moved towards the stairs leading up to the CIC, their footsteps falling into the same rhythm.

“He better be.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first time posting anything here. (waves) I thought I'd start with something nice and sweet that's based on [one of my most favorite quests](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GYQIlcVzHYQ) in ME 1. I'm not really good at writing quiet, sweet moments, but I hope you guys like it anyway! :3


End file.
